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Help me please?

I don't know what to do anymore. I am supposed to be starting at a new school tomorrow and I have put on 5 kilo's. I don't have the confidence to go to the school. I'm vomiting because of my nerves and I can't stop hyperventilating! I was supposed to be in recovery... and now all I can think is that I want to starve to death. I don't give a shit about being skinny, I want to be dead because that would be better than fat. I am making an oath to all of my red bracelet ana friends, I am not eating for 5 days. That should hopefully teach myself a lesson. I just don't know what to do about the school. I don't want to go. I can't go. I wont go. But it is going to break my mum's heart and that will make me want to never put a single thing in my mouth if I do that to her. As if being a frigging disgusting fat monster isn't enough now I'm a horrible person too?

In all fairness, she is forcing me to go to this school, she has been taking all of my control away the past few months...

Recovery didn't work. I want to feel the empty stomach, the hunger pains, I want to lie there and imagine what my body is doing and I want to know that Im the one making it happen.

All of this stress made me binge, I think a managed about 1000cals. I'm not eating anything for a while now.

I send my love out to every girl, I'm here if you need an ear.
xxx A

My day - thanks to the help of ann.

Basically, I was unsure of what to write about in my little journal...
until ann_1998 told me to just write about my day and have a little vent... considering my mood at the moment I think that is a wonderful idea, thank's ann. :)

My day started off CRAP as most days do... when I have to wake up and see my mother the whole day becomes negative. My mum hates me, it's very obvious. She doesn't care about anything I do... as long is it isn't bad.
The only comments I get out of my mum are:
"Why haven't you done this?"
"You didn't do that properly!"
"Look what you did, it's ruined."
I mean... I cook her dinner I clean and do what she asks... mean while fighting depression and working along side with an ed and a sleeping disorder. HELLO... I'm sorry if I get tired and forget to take the washing off... I'm sorry if it is a windy day and the things on the back verrandah get blown around, I'm SO sorry if having me was such a mistake.

I try to talk to my mum about how I don't want to be in school anymore. I'm not just some teen cop out, I haven't been to as many schools as people that move houses but I have changed A LOT because I hate school. Mum and I ALWAYS change schools in the hope that it will be easier... but in the end it is always shit because I hate school in general.

I thought about this for a while, trying to figure out WHY I hate school... the only thing that I can conclude is that it is because I am SO fat. I don't feel comfortable at school, there are eye's everywhere watching my fat wobble and people snicker when I walk past. I feel disgusting... thus school is a horrible place to be.

Another little insight into my mind:  I refuse to go outside the house with out make up on. I don't mean shit loads of make up.... but just enough to make my face look half pretty. I figured out that the only reason I like make up so much is because it sheild the 'real' me from the world, when I have make up it is my protection, I feel loads better.

Also I am on a fast at the moment. Since my mum doesn't care about me much she doesn't notice when I lie, she seems to think that no one in our family lies... the truth is she is the only one who tells the truth. Most of the time we all sit here wishing she would lie because she uses the truth to play mind games with us anyway.
Why can't she get off her fucking high horse and LIE?! I wouldn't care what it was about... although, preferably it would be WONDERFUL if she could tell me that I was adopted.
There is only one person in this world that I want to be related to and that is my half brother... get that HALF brother, I have no full blood sibling, thank's to my mum. GAH.

I spose it doesn't matter anymore, If I can fast long enough, become skinny enough maybe I will just waste away, then they will all be better off, right? that's what they ALWAYS say. 

Sorry for the MAJOR depression rant. 
love you guys!!!
Remember, NOTHING tastes as good as THING feels.

My first entry.


Today was just a normal day to me. The usual..family...cleaning..friends.. that sort of stuff.

This is my first entry and at the moment I don't have anything exciting to talk about.

I don't have any friends to read what I write and haven't decided what is best to write about.

So if you see this.. please give me some tips. :)

ily. xox. ♥

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