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Help me please?

I don't know what to do anymore. I am supposed to be starting at a new school tomorrow and I have put on 5 kilo's. I don't have the confidence to go to the school. I'm vomiting because of my nerves and I can't stop hyperventilating! I was supposed to be in recovery... and now all I can think is that I want to starve to death. I don't give a shit about being skinny, I want to be dead because that would be better than fat. I am making an oath to all of my red bracelet ana friends, I am not eating for 5 days. That should hopefully teach myself a lesson. I just don't know what to do about the school. I don't want to go. I can't go. I wont go. But it is going to break my mum's heart and that will make me want to never put a single thing in my mouth if I do that to her. As if being a frigging disgusting fat monster isn't enough now I'm a horrible person too?

In all fairness, she is forcing me to go to this school, she has been taking all of my control away the past few months...

Recovery didn't work. I want to feel the empty stomach, the hunger pains, I want to lie there and imagine what my body is doing and I want to know that Im the one making it happen.

All of this stress made me binge, I think a managed about 1000cals. I'm not eating anything for a while now.

I send my love out to every girl, I'm here if you need an ear.
xxx A

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